Finding a decent person to date is hard work and comedian and viral content creator Lauren Compton is here to get to the bottom of it. It’s a dirty job, but someone’s gotta do it. Weekly, Lauren invites celebrity guests on to have a first date with her and figures out how many red flags they have, if they’re dateable, AND if there will be a second date! Dating is a wild ride... strap in!
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And, I don't know. I I like Bill Murray. Okay. So it's still in the Bills. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I thought you met the Buffalo football team. Yeah, I guess I like a bill. I like Bill Burr. I like Bill Mar. Dollar bills. Yeah. Yeah. Bill Bella Check. The dollar bills are great. What is one thing that surprised you that you learned from your wife. Well, she's good because, you know, as I said, I I have low self esteem, low self worth. I hate myself. So I just work a lot. I'm a workaholic. She'll go, hey. Let's go to Italy. And I go, what do you well, we can't go to Italy who am I Timothy Shalamu? I can't go to Italy. And she's like, no. We can just buy a plane ticket. We went to Italy. That is really nice. It was incredible. And I was like, this is so cool. People can just do this. I'm from Louisiana. We didn't go to Italy. Yeah. You do now? Now I'm going to Italy. Yeah. I went. I went to South Africa, for the safari. I mean, she's really, like, trying to make me a human. She try she's the one who encourages traveling. Yeah. Traveling, living life, doing normal things. She's like, let's go to a concert. I'm like, oh, what? I can't do that. I got I gotta work. Yeah. But she pulls it out of me. She's adding value to your life. I guess so. She I mean, she's like she has a Taking my money. No. It's a great great way how to spend your money. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. So there's value. There's there's experiences. That's the key to life. There's experiences. Yeah. Yeah. You know? I do know. Anal. Oh. I guess after all that barbecue. Yeah. Corals. I've never been a fan of anal. It's like, that's an exit only. Okay. Damn. Is that a is that We tried with the wife. It well, I couldn't, the 10 inches. You know, it just wouldn't fit. It was it was like, I felt
Are like ready to go for it. Very PC. Mhmm. So what's your love language? Oh, my love language is physical touch and words of affirmation. Physical touch Yeah. And words of affirmation. Yeah. It's like, tell me I'm pretty. Tell me I'm pretty and fuck me. Yes. I feel that. I feel like I'm a time a time spent. Mhmm. Like, I'm so clingy. Mhmm. Are you an anxious attached? I probably. Like, I just want my person to be there all the time. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that's why I've always dated business owners because they don't have to go to the job Well, they're also the most busy. Phone. I know. But I'd rather you be on your phone a 100% of the time and be with me. Okay. Like, I need your physical body, like, in the room. And you can watch TV and I'll cook, but it's like it's like having an entity in the room with me. I like all the love languages though. Like, I like being around my person too. Like, I like gifts. Like, I'm not gonna say no to a gift. I love gifts. I'm like, do I have to pick? I want them all. This is an ongoing thing on this show. I'm big on taking gifts. I also like giving gifts. I think I'm the best gift giver. Oh. Very good at giving gifts. I won't even get into some of my weird fucked up stories about how I give way too much and then, like, receive very little, which is so weird sometimes, you know? Like, I feel like as an only child, I I'm an only child too. Really? Yeah. I would always wanna share. Yes. You get a bad rap that you're a bad sharer. But you're, like, selfish. The opposite. Same. I would, if someone would come over to my house and they were, like, oh, I really like this, I'd be, like, you can have it. You can have it and we can be friends. And if you like any of my other stuff, you can have all my other stuff too because I don't use any of that stuff. So why don't you just never leave And stay here with me. Stay here with me. And you can have all my stuff. So that was
Yeah. No. Definitely food. I mean, I I like to drink. I'll take, like, edibles before bed, but not, like, a ton really. So, yeah, definitely food, I think, is probably my worst advice. What's your favorite kind of food? Pizza. Most pizza pasta carbs sandwiches, like, all that type of shit. Yeah. Just anything with way too many carbs. Mostly, but probably pizza. Yeah. Yeah. Where is your favorite pizza place? What kind of pizza? Do you like pineapple on your pizza? No. God. It's terrible. I don't eat pineapple on anything. It's slimy and why do you? No. I don't. Okay. Good. No. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I would say probably Yeah. I would say probably Frank Pepe. So Regina's in Boston is also very good. Okay. Well, that's is is another, great place out in Boston. Next time I go to Boston, I'm I'm gonna text you, and I'm gonna see, like, what you like. We'll get a mommy a slice up there sometime. Yeah. Have you ever had a terrible first kiss? Terrible in what like, she bites my tongue. What would that be? Well, like, my first kiss, the guy chipped my tooth. Tooth. Oh, god. Yeah. No fucking joke. I was at a movie theater, and he actually gave me a play by play, like, what he would do in football. He was like, hey. I just wanna let you know. I'm gonna I'm gonna lean over, and I'm gonna I'm gonna kiss you. And you're gonna open your mouth about this much, and then I'm gonna stick my tongue in there, and I'm gonna swirl it around. And then that's gonna be, like, your first kiss. Does that That feels like he was writing the worst romantic comedy of all time. Like, I'm gonna say this, and she's gonna be like, wow. Yeah. Like, as if I just my panty dropped. Right? Then, you know, I'm like, well, shit. Finger me while you're at it. And so, like, Jesus. I mean, god, we're here. But that guy has used that on someone, and it's probably worked. Yeah. You know? Well, he he did, like, this whiplash thing where I was sitting there and I was, like, okay. And there was no amount of surprise in the world. And he he just
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Okay. And then I said, well, I'm doing I'm, you know, one of the things I'll be fucking I'm doing this bitches podcast. I don't really care. Oh, I tried to I tried to pull it off for you. What do you mean? I think it looks great. It was quite the opposite of that. I was gonna I think I you know, I'll try to be out there for this one. Oh. Yeah. Try to see what I can pull off. Okay. Yeah. It's good. See, I thought you were saying that you didn't really care if you could pull it off or not. No. No. I try I try to do a thing. You know, when you try to, like, go out there and do a little more, like, just see what I can pull off. You know? I like it. Yeah. We're we're expanding our boundaries. Yeah. Feels good. You but you like it. So so far, so good. Your stylist gets a green flag. Also, that is not supposed to sound I know everyone so I have a stylist because I know nothing about fashion. So why would I pretend to try to do this fashion thing? So you just get someone that knows fashion, and then they'll do it for you, and then you don't ever have to make any decisions. And then you just say yes or no. Yeah. It's smart. I like this. Yeah. I don't like I don't hang my own TV. I don't pretend to fix my car. It's the same with clothes. I've always been bad at clothes. Get a lady who knows clothes, pay her to do it, and then it's nice. Yeah. Yeah. So that's what this was. I like it. Yeah. And you look nice too. Thank you very much. Yeah. I have some appetizer questions for you. Sounds good. And then we'll move on to main course. Okay. Tasty menu. You know what? I will I wanna say one more thing before we start. Everyone, I've I've so I've been I've had a pretty fun week here in town. I did Louis j Gomez's podcast yesterday. Okay. I did a Rogan on Thursday. Wow. I've been doing, you know, things in town, whatever the podcast are, you know, whatever Austin podcast. And you're on mine? And I'm on yours. I was very excited. I keep telling everyone, you know, hey. I got on a first date this week, you know, with Lauren Carter. She goes, oh, yeah. She she, she dates that guy that owns the barbecue place. And I go, what the fuck? I have a first date with this bra. Does she got a boyfriend? I do. I was told I was going on a fucking first date. I got a nice gay jacket and everything, and then and then, the, that's all everyone keeps talking about. Oh, yeah. You know, she's with, and I was like, what
